Interesting Times

It has been an interesting week.

Work is manic at the moment, what with all these couples having marital terminations as a result of the Feb half term. Yes I am serious, divorces peak every time the kids are on holiday. Plus there’s the annual Legal Services Commission Annual review that’s due at the end of March.
Monday night saw my Sports Diver Theory Test. Passed 100%, but due to BSAC snail type timescale, I’m still diving as a PADI Advanced until the water approaches bath temperature…

On Wednesday we went to Yeung’s – the Chinese buffet restaurant in Ashford recommended by the taxi driver last week, which was very nice and very very reasonable.

Chris’ birthday was on Thursday, and being the kind and big-hearted person I am, I let him get his toys out to play with, in order to install my new washing machine. Which I also let him stay at my house for the morning to be there when the delivery men arrived. Generous, ain’t I?
Friday we joined the parental units in exploring the wilds of Sandwich in the hopes of discovering the ancient Mayan templ… er, sorry wrong monologue. With Chris as our guide, we hacked our way through creative parking and over vicious cobblestone roads to find the infamous No. 6, to which Chris has been before. We were met by the delectable Mark. Now you know when you see a guy who’s been poured into a pair of jeans, or they’ve been spray painted on that it’s an absolute guarantee that they’re gay? We are talking serious spray paint with washboard stomach. The black PVC thigh boots with four inch stilettos were a bit of a giveaway too. However, I am exceptionally jealous of the ease in which Mark managed to walk in said stilettos over slip slidey tile flooring. The karaoke style cabaret was out there, and the food simply divine. It was also interesting observing fiancé, mother and father from the point of view of sober driving person (which makes a change that person to be me I’m told.).

Moving swiftly on, someone had the brilliant idea of putting me on a course yesterday (Saturday), which involved me getting up at 0630. Okay, yes it was my idea, but I just don’t DO mornings. So, got up and dressed and caffeined and fed kits, leaving other half to feed fiskies and roll out of bed at lunchtime. At 0700m sat in car and failed to work out how to work the Sat Nav. With Chris remote help; him in bed, and me ten yards away in car (mobile phones are a wonderful invention), got that working and set off. One and a half hours later in the zone of no service stations, caffeine wanted out. Found a convenient hill from which to spot lurking Little Chefs and took a little detour. Arrived Selsey (near Chichester) at 9am, very impressed with nice weather and little traffic. Went into the dive centre which was the allotted meeting point to find very nice young lady dishing out large top ups of caffeine.
At 9.30 we were led to the Church Hall for the start of lectures. The course itself was run by the BDMLR (British Divers Marine Life Rescue). No food or drink was allowed in the Hall, so like true divers, we waited patiently for everyone to arrive and the doors to close before shedding overcoats and pulling caffeine and sausage rolls for a working breakfast. We then proceeded to have three hours of lectures on the processes, procedures and avoidance of being thrown into walls by over-excited whales. Very important, this last point, particularly for the boys. No straddling whale tails.

At 1.30 we were given strict instructions to go get lunch, get to the beach half a mile down the road, get kitted up into our dry suits and be on the beach by 2pm. Noteably, the divers among us saw absolutely no problem with this timescale and were to be found at 2pm on the beach, fully kitted and munching down on sausage rolls. Again. The non-divers were still in the toilet block searching for the sausage rolls that had fallen into the legs of their drysuits and trying figure out which hole their head was supposed to go through.
With a bit of teamwork we were all ready to go at five past. We split into three groups, and while the two groups went to rescue Dummy Dolphin and Dummy Whale, our group stood around bemoaning the fact that there seemed to be a spot of light drizzle and the sea was looking a bit grey. We were then presented with Dummy Seal Dum, and Dummy Seal Dummer, and were taught how sneak up on them with a teatowel and pounce. The thing is with seals, is that they were greased up sumo wrestlers in their previous life and they haven’t forgotten it. So we did a lot of practising of the pouncing technique. Interestingly, there was not one single person that volunteered to take it’s temperature. Even on a water filled plastic Seal, the concept of the rectal thermometer was too scary. After mastering the Seals we were all very proud of ourselves, right up to the point where the instructors said, ‘Now that you’ve mastered Seal pups, we’ll talk about the adults…’ What the-??! For the adults, apparently, nothing less than a JCB will do.
Next, lessons in Dolphins and Porpoises. Marvellous creatures. Unlike Seals, once they’re out of the water they’re not inclined to either bite or throw you into walls. Just don’t have your face over it’s blowhole when it sneezes. We got our Dolphin into the water magnificently. We observed the two foot waves and the fact that our heads were as wet as our feet due to the increase in rain, and proceeded to draw a crowd with our attempts to get the Dolphin out of the water and back on the beach so that the group could try and refloat it. The team made an executive decision that if the next group wanted to play with it, they could fish it out themselves. Unfortunately the instructor overruled us. We contemplated revolt, but he threatened to take the sausage rolls away. So with much entertainment to the congregating masses, we pulled Dolphin out of water. The congregating masses stubbed out his cigarette and buggered off with his dog down the pub.

So next we stood around balefully eyeing up the big yellow pontoon which we had to use to refloat the whale. We eyed up the torrential rain, and the fact that sea and sky were so grey we couldn’t tell where the sea end and the sky began. We got our whale length measuring tape measures out and estimated height of waves to be around twenty feet and debated the practicalities of using whale as a surfboard. We refloated whale mostly, but the instructors decided it was too dangerous to continue when the tallest member of our team (6ft 5ish) became too short to stand in the surf and hold whale. We think the whale may have sat on the shortest member of our team and we waved hot sausage rolls at the tail end of the whale and she found her way back out.

By this time it was around 4.30 and we had strict instructions to be changed back into civvies and be back at the church hall for 5pm. All the non-divers could be found at five pm sitting the church hall waiting for the debriefing to begin. All the divers, with their unerring sense of…. Diving tradition … had found their way to the nearest place that supplied hot tea and refused to do anything more until tea was in mitts. Unfortunately, tea girl was the slowest teagirl in the universe. Her average time to make a single cup of tea was ten minutes. And it was lukewarm. We carefully smuggled tea into church hall, and had de-brief. Am now fully fledged, if entirely inexperienced Marine Mammal Medic, and can fully expect to be called down to Shakespeare Beach at 2am on a regular basis to rescue Seals that don’t actually need rescuing because such beaches are the Seal equivalent of the Clackett Lane Services; they've just stopped for a good itch and a fart, and then they'll be on their way around the Marine M25 aka The Channel.
The drive back took three hours, with many accidents, roadworks, vast amount of traffic and torrential rain.
But it was an excellent day.
Off to London today.

A Terrible Horrible No Good Bad Sunday

The Legal Services Commission conference was disappointingly good. Disappointing because I had to wait til the weekend to catch up on my sleep, and although it was really good, I won't bore you with it unless you have an undying need to know the intricacies of Means7 vs App7 reporting... I can hear the snores already.

So, you ever have one of those weekends where you really really really wish you'd camped out at work?

Friday finished, and, albeit late, I went to Rochester where Chris fed me a really nice sausage casserole accompanied by lots of wine and profiteroles - always a good way to finish off a Friday I find.

Saturday came and went; Chris went to visit Tom while I went to work via Simply Scuba to purchase a decent pair of diving gloves. Along with said gloves I also received an education in drysuits for free. I think the guy there took exception to my usual bitch about said items and decided I need said eduaction. I have been educated and tried on severeal in the process and may invest at some undetermined point in the future. However, that would then mean that I would lose my foolproof getout clause of 'its too cold'! - an essential tool when one mixes with people who think its a really good idea to jump in the water when it's snowing heavily. We went to a chinese for dinner and were recommended Yeung's by the taxi driver but it was full so we went to TinTin's instead. It was nice. Point to note from experience - taxi drivers are excellent sources of eaterie recommendations.

Sunday arrived wonderfully slowly, and after much prodding, hard glares and head butting from starving and waif like kittens who clearly hadn't been fed for *hours*, the fact that Rio weighs the same as a lead brick notwithstandin, especially when standing on one's bladder, we finally rolled out of bed at around 11. So far so good. Put first load of washing on.

Ghostie (my car for those who don't know) developed condensation in a taillight again, and a wobbly rear light. Happily replaced taillight shell to eliminate condensation, and replaced bulb to eliminate wobbliness. First part works, second part eliminated wobbliness by failing to work at all. After much swearing and skinned knuckles (er, for Chris not me :o)) we concluded fault was in the wiring. Ho hum, MOT is due very shortly anyway. We won't let that minor detail ruin our day. Took first load of washing out and into tumble dryer ready to be tumbled when we got back from lunch.

Went to lunch at Riverview Diner. Nice burger type affair surrounded by a fleet of Harley Davisons to perv - er, I mean look at. Chris was accosted by one of the bikers that went by the name of 'Big John' - who merely wanted to know if Chris' dad happened to be 'Big Dave'. The answer to that would be yes. Chris now keeps checking the mirror every five minutes to see if he really looks that much like his dad. I'm keeping quiet on the subject.

Went to Bybrook Barn to get some advice on getting aquarium back to health after heater disaster. Got some pots to replant Daisy (Annelies' red daisy plant) and Dorian (pitcher plant). Returned home. Put on tumbler. Put second load in washing machine.

Noticed that washing machine wasn't working. Switched it off, started it again. Hit it, kicked it, yelled at it and generally abused it. It still didn't work. Chris attacked it with the big guns - his cordless drill screwdriver vibrator thingie. Declared it dead.

Repotted Daisy. Repotted Dorian and ran out of appropriate compost halfway up the pot. Gave up.

Switched tumbler off and went to Sevington to get new washing machine. Delivery scheduled for Thursday. Do you know what I had to do to bribe Chris to do my washing for me? Actually, you probably don't want to know... and don't beleive him when he says 'nothing'...

Switched tumbler back on and sat down with large glass of sherry and noticed suspicious burning smell coming from the kitchen. Diagnosed tumbler source of burning smell and swictched tumbler off. Sat back down with Very Large Glass of sherry and noticed laptop issuing big flashing messages informing me that an electrical surge had knackered everything.

Fortunatley laptop is clever and protected itself. Tumbler still remains to be seen.

Am now drinking Extremely Large glass of sherry, and wondering when Sunday is officially finished.

(Please not I have spared details regarding fish trapped in filter tube, the Quest for a bag of Housplant compost and the Starnge Smell coming from the toilet.)

Stuff!

Scariness abounds! Tentatively I’m having both eyes done on 27th. First to be done first thing - 8am (so that’s what, a 5am train??!), and very much subject to check up 6 hours later, the other at 4pm. The hint of a problem, possibility of infection, rejection or eye being slow to adjust and the second eye will be rescheduled.
Chris and I went on an O2 course on Sat and are now qualified to administer oxygen to divers involved in diving incidents. So if you’re a snorkeler involved in a diving incident then tough. Having on a previous course demonstrated that I could do mouth to mouth/nose brilliantly but only just scrape through chest compressions, I managed on Saturday to demonstrate an inability to even locate the mouth, however my chest compressions were much better. Chris, however, was the only person on the course to score a perfect 100%. We could have all got an extra brownie point if any of us had thought to actually call for an ambulance.
On Sunday we went to DiverSE, a BS-AC conference where we fully expected to do a lot of snoring as deadly dull procedures and DO It Right enthusiasts pontificated at length. However, apart from me running out of steam halfway through the afternoon, we spent the whole day bright eyed and bushy tailed as almost all speakers were very entertaining. Highlights…
We had Mike Stevens from BDMLR (the people that rescued the whale from the Thames) who gave an exceptionally entertaining presentation where he translated the media’s attempts at explaining what was going on, into what was *actually* going on. The classic being the ‘laying on of hands’ bit. They were actually keeping their hands warm… I’m serious… honest…
Welsh Nutcase. I mean, Martyn Farr. Who is an expert (whoops! Can’t use that word!) leading cave diver. Short bouncy chap with far too much energy for any day of the week let alone a Sunday. I always thought cave diving was pootling along underwater and finding holes in reefs and cliffs to explore, but no! Well, yes, but also no. These guy go spelunking in places like Wookee(sp?) Hole and walk/climb/slide through cliffs over underground lakes and scaling walls with large quantities of ropes and cylinders so that they can go and dive in the (rather deep) puddles at the bottom of the caves. Or half way up them, or whatever. This includes diving through gaps that are just a couple of feet high. He spent the entire time trying to persuade us he wasn’t nuts, but a bouncy welsh person a Sunday morning really wasn’t going to succeed with that. We did laugh an awful lot though.
And Jack Ingles, expert (damn that word again, not allowed! Something to do with ex = has been + spert = useless drip) leading technical diver. Who tried to persuade us that diving to great depths with many cylinders for a couple of hours really is worth the four hours you have to spend hanging on a trapeze a few metres under the boat staring at the next persons backside. Need a bit more convincing on that one. Especially the bit about needing adult nappies.

There were other speakers who were very entertaining also, but I think I’ve bored you silly enough. Tomorrow I have the LSC thing at which I fully expect to be catching up on sleep.

Here in Sunny Ashford!

Ashford is actually grey today. However with reports of torrents of rain in London and various parts of Kent, the greyness here is clearly relatively sunny.

Chris and I went to mum and dad's for lunch, and had a lovely dinner that was much enjoyed by both of us both in food and company. Fizz was yum.

Regarding knee, I've had a couple of minor accidents to said knee over the years, funnily enough both involving a sprint to a bar, although both whilst sober. The last one 3 years ago in Sharm - a simple fall over
landing on hands and knees and easily repaired with several large beers and a vodka took a long time to heal and the doc said something about housemaids knee, and knee healed up a few weeks later, leaving me with an ache that materialised occasionally if it looked like rain on the horizon.

Until knee decided at a random moment around 5 or 6 weeks ago that it didn't want to work anymore. Spent evening with leg elevated and attempting repair with large glass of wine. It didn't work, so hobbled to
casualty next day who said it ain't broke so if it doesn't fix itself in three weeks go to your gp. So I did yesterday. He poked and prodded at great length, requesting that I yell when it hurt (lots of yelling) asked
me if I was double jointed (no), commented that I was very flexible (?!!), and said that losing weight was usually recommended but that as I was lean enough there was no need (Hallelujah!)

Apparently that last time I went skidding across the floor in Sharm is probably where I caused some
cartilage damage that has never healed properly, and since I'm too young to seriously think about invasive surgery at this point, we're trying non-invasive physio etc and see what that does. Lots of resting
knee, and no weight carrying. Guess someone else need to carry my shopping and cylinders...

Disaster struck the aquarium when the brand new heater died - did I mention this already? We lost some fish, but we're back and stable again now, and hope to repopulate in a couple of weeks. The kits are of course doing an excellent job watching the aquarium; for signs of distress, naturally.

Work is manic - we're in the peak of divorces that are a result of the Christmas holidays, plus contract renewal time of year. The next month looks to be manic too with eye stuff and dive stuff etc.